Red Vs Blue One Shots
by Jade Soulless
Summary: A collection of Red Vs Blue one-shots, Rating's and title's vary.
1. Merry Christmas, Dumbass

**Merry Christmas, Dumbass. ( Other Title: A very blue Christmas) **

**Rating: K+**

**Main Characters: Washington, Caboose, Donut.**

( I didn't proof read much, sorry!)

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><p>Donut carried a glazed and very hot ham on a plate, bright pink oven mitts on his hands. He set it down on the table in the middle of Blue Base's living room ( It had been their turn to host Christmas, Although Donut still did the cooking and decorating, as always.<p>

He smiled brightly at the ham, glancing around the base. Stockings with everyone's name hung on the walls, mistletoe in one doorway, ( Much to Washington's distaste ) And strings of popcorn he had made with Private Caboose. He heard a rattling noise and turned around, Tucker sat cross-legged on the floor shaking a brightly wrapped gift. " Tucker!" He scolded slapping the Blue Soldiers hand and pulling the gift away from him. He scoffs muttering a rude curse under his breath. " It was Caboose's anyway." He said as he stood up. " Sounded breakable."

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><p>As Donut cooked and Tucker possible broke Caboose's gifts, Washington stood in front of his mirror, combing his blond hair. He gazed into the mirror, his tired looking reflection staring back to him, his hair sticking up messily, no matter how much he tried to tame it. He set the comb down as he brought a finger to his face, tracing the scars on his face slowly. He sighed letting the hand drop, he looked as best he could, Although he wore his usual work jeans and grey sweatshirt.<p>

The smell of cooked ham was in the air, drawing the scarred soldier to the door as he left his room, glancing downstairs at Tucker shaking more boxes. " Stop that!" He calls down as Tucker quickly set the box down like a scolded child. He started to walk downstairs, and possible yell at Tucker, when he heard a sniffle and a soft sob.

Washington turned around, frowning as he heard it again. He slowly stepped back up into the hallway, walking through it slowly as he followed the sound, coming to a stop at Caboose's door. He pauses for a moment as he heard another sniffle, and leaned closer to the door, tapping his knuckled gently into the wood.

There was silence in response, and he called gently, " Caboose..?". A soft sob.  
>He bit his lip reaching down and turning the doorknob, opening it to view the blue soldier hugging his knees on his bunk, his face streaked with tears. He steps into the room, shutting the door behind him. " Hey.. Caboose.. Are you alright?" He asks, walking over.<p>

He shakes his head no burying his face in his knees, choking back sobs. Washington glances at the ceiling sighing, before sitting down on the bunk beside him, legs hanging over the edge.

" Church Is going to m-miss Christmas.." He says, his eyes peeking over his knees, the teary big blue eyes puffy from crying; Before the man could reply to comfort him he added in a voice barely above a whisper. " He's.. Not coming back.. is he? T-tucker said so..".

Washington groaned softly rubbing his face, making a note to smack Tucker upside the head later. He looks back at Caboose, they couldn't keep fibbing to the private forever, but it absolutely killed him to see him upset, he was so.. child-like.

"Caboose.." He started, rubbing his neck. " Church.. Won't make it for Christmas" He says slowly, choosing his words carefully to not set off the emotional man. " He's.. Uh.. Busy. At the north pole." He said, it was actually his most convincing lie, and the stupidest - But the blue armored soldiers eyes lit up when he said it.

"Really?" He says, raising and eyebrow " Uh.. Yes. Yeah." He replies quickly, and Caboose grinned. " So, is he like Santa? Will he bring my presents!? I like presents." Washington smiles weakly, relived he had told a convincing lie to sooth Caboose. " Well. He's.. busy. So he might not get to bring you a present.." He says, not wanting him to expect a gift from his dead best friend and find nothing.

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><p>Donut yelled that dinner was done and Washington smiled at the solider, giving him a friendly cuff on the shoulder. " Come on, We better eat before Tucker eats it all."<br>He nods getting off the bunk, wiping the tears from his face. " Okay Agent Washingtub" He said, walking with him downstairs as the Red's came through the door, bundled in scarves and snow pants, their noses bright red, snow speckled their hair.

Caboose grinned hurrying down the stairs in front of Washington, eyes set on Grif, and Grif noticed. " Oh! Hey Caboose, No, No! No Hu-, Augh!" He yelped as the blue team's member tackled him into a hug, he towered a good two feet over him. Sarge stepped aside as to not be assaulted next as Simmons broke into a fit of snickers, Yelling out as Caboose jumped on him next.

Washington chuckled walking downstairs, nodding in greeting to the Red's as they sat down to eat the meal Donut had prepared.

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><p>They sat down opening gifts, Washington sitting back watching. " What the he- Not fucking funny!" It was Grifs turn and he tackled Tucker, trying to choke him, his cheeks the color of Sarge's armor, when Simmons peeked in the box his face grew flushed, and joined in on trying to strangle Tucker. "Ow! That fucking hur- Not the face! " He yelped wrestling with the two. Donut giggled violently then said " You'd be a cute couple. And I've heard you at night, you'll need those" He said, yelling as Simmons smacked the back of his head.<p>

Caboose held a small package in his hands, it was still wrapped as he stared at it. " What do you got there Caboose? Why don't you open it?" He called, Caboose didn't respond but grinned widely, opening the package slowly.  
>Washington got up walking over and sitting down close to him, not bothering to scold the three soldiers still yelling and wrestling. Caboose pulled out a bright blue tee-shirt that looked close to new, a cartoon kitten was plastered on the front. He held it to his torso showing Washington, his eyes bright. " Washingtub look!" He said, setting the shirt on his lap and picking up a bit of paper. " Look who it's from!" He shoved the paper tag into his hands. The man flipped it over, scrawled on the paper was written:<p>

" _To_ Caboose.

From,_ Church."_

At the bottom in smaller letters was written " _Merry Christmas, Dumbass."_

He glanced back up at the smiling soldier, who was excitedly showing Donut his shirt. He glanced around the room, Tucker was stumbling to his feet, his hair messed up, and he was panting. He caught Washington's eye, he winked. Washington smiled a bit gratefully nodding at the man, when Donut shrilly gasped in a voice much to eager. " Grif~!" He called, getting to his feet. He pointed where Grif and Simmons stood, then pointed up. They glanced above them at the mistletoe that Donut had put, each one's face grew a bright red.

Washington smirked, watching as they quickly moved away from each other yelling at Donut.

_" Merry Christmas, Dumbass."_


	2. Broken fans and Broken bots

**Title: Broken fans and Broken bots.**

**Rating: T for cursing.**

**Main characters: The Meta, Simmons, Lopez, Grif**

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><p>The day broke the record for the hottest day in Bloodgulch by a long-shot, The temperature never wavering from the triple digits. The air was dry and humid, and the soldiers living in Bloodgulch were currently thinking of ways to deal with it.<p>

Most were indoors, either huddled by the cooling fans or smacking it with wrenches in a desperate attempt to make it work. Red base's air conditioning was out and no amount of wrench-hitting would fix it, so everyone in the box canyon, save Simmons and Grif, were taking refuge from the heat at blue base.

Simmons growled in annoyance, placing his hands on his hips and glaring at the orange soldier, who was laying in the front of the warthog, legs crossed on the steering wheel. " Lopez, Pick up the wrench and throw it at Grif." Simmons ordered, normally he wouldn't abuse the robot in such a way, but he was very hot, and very pissy, and the lazy solider was _very_ much in the way of the robot and the maroon soldiers work._"Con plesure" _(With pleasure) Lopez replied. "Wait wa-" Grif started to protest, before the wrench clanged against his helmet. " Ow! You dick!" He yelled in pain, kicking at Lopez lightly, his foot connecting with his chest; making the robot back up as Grif clambered from the truck.

Well you wouldn't move!"  
>"You never <em>asked!"<br>"Yes I did!"_

Lopez sighed, shaking his head and muttering; " _Idiotas" _as he laid down on his back, rolling under the warthog to continue fixing it. "_Pásame la llave_" ( Hand me the wrench).  
>He said, glancing out at their feet.<p>

'See! Even Lopez thinks your a dick" Grif countered, with no clue as to what the robot said. "Shut up!" Simmons huffed.

_"Gracias"_ (Thanks) He said sarcastically, wishing he had eyes to roll. The two bickered on and ignored him, not that they could understand him anyway. The robot placed his hands on the leaking pipe, pushing it upwards into the truck, grunting in effort. The pipe snapped back out, grease splashing down onto him. He wiped it off his visor in annoyance, getting more annoyed at their screams outside. Wait, screams?

Lopez would frown if he could, stopping his banging on the warthog to listen. The screams were not angry, but he knew they belonged to Simmons in Grif; He caught one word in their screams that made even the emotional-less robot a bit fearful, " _Meta!"_

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><p>Simmons stumbled and almost fell as he ran, Grif, although normally lazy and slow, was running faster then him. The soldiers legs ate up the ground under them as they dashed forward and their boots dug up the grass and dirt, and a third solider was in quick pursuit of the two.<br>Simmons let out a fearful whimper at The Meta's snarls behind him, although he could hardly hear both of the sounds over Grif screaming warnings and screeching for help. "Fuck!" Simmons yelped dodging left and almost slamming into Grif's side when the Meta lunged, he landed gracefully and started running, but it gave the pair a second of advantage.

By now the two reds teammates' and all of blue team were running from blue base, guns at the ready. But they were still very far away, and out of shooting range. Grif coughed violently, throat getting sore and worn from screaming like a girl, although he continued to do it. Something slammed into Simmons side, causing him to slam into Grif. The two tumbled down hill, armor scratching as their limbs tangled and bodys' grinded into the earth until they stopped, both winching in pain. Grif put his hands on Simmons helmet, shoving roughly trying to untangle himself and get up, but froze when he heard a low growl from in front of him. Both soldiers gulped, eyes wide as they trailed from The Meta's feet to his helmet, both practically shaking. "Simmons.. If this is the end.. I just wanted to say I was the one who put hot sauce in your shampoo" Grif admitted, Earning a smack from Simmons. "That wasn't funny you ass!" He yelled, but Grif, despite the cold fear holding the two, snickered. The three jumped at the loud sound of a car horn blaring, Simmons and Grifs head snapped up just in time to see The Meta doused in light from car headlights before the warthog slammed into him and he went flying.

Lopez was at the wheel, struggling to keep the truck in control as The Meta flew off the windshield, the truck tilting dangerously to the right. He slammed his foot on the six petals spinning the wheel madly, before the truck overturned skidding across the ground, dirt and grass flying through the air behind it before slamming into The Meta again, and into the rock wall.

The other soldiers reached Simmons and Grif just as they started to get to their feet, everyone's words jumbled together. " Did you _see_ that!" A light-ish red ( Not at all pink) armored solider said excitedly, Simmons nodded out of breath, turning to see the dented warthog on it's side, smoke drifting from the crushed hood, and a few feet away, Lopez trying to hold his own in a fist fight with Meta.

The robot was slow and The Meta won in seconds, the robots punch to the chest not affecting him in the least. he grabbed the robot's arm roughly in one hand and his shoulder in the other, tearing Lopez's arm off with a sicking screech of metal. The man dropped the broken robot to the ground, before stumbling back as a wave of bullets washed over him from the two teams, causing him to flee by climbing up the rock wall and vanishing at the top.

"A-are you alright?" Simmons asked awkwardly, leaning down on one knee beside Lopez as he gingerly picked up his ripped off arm, setting it in his lap. _"Si"_ he replied, his voice wavering. Sarge came up behind him cuffing him roughly on the back. "Great job Lopez! Next time hit Grif as a safety precaution, though." the man nodded, before adding; " And don't worry about yer arm, I can fix it. Grif! I need you to donate yours."

Grif started to argue back with Sarge, Simmons arguing with Grif and Sarge, and not long after they were all bickering.

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><p>Not long later Lopez sat by the damaged warthog, with a re-attached arm. He shoved on the leaking pipe, picking up the wrench beside him and smacking it roughly.<p>

He heard soft footsteps stop a few feet behind him but didn't bother to turn around as he pushed harder on the pipe, almost getting it to pop back in. "I.. Just wanted to say.. t-thank you, for.. y'know, running The Meta over.." Simmons said awkwardly, chuckling a bit. Lopez nodded in reply, and after a few moments of silence Simmons left. Lopez shifted to sit on his knees, and if he had a mouth, a small smirk would be tugging at it.


End file.
